You would find some situations in life when forgive and forget comes into being a crucial issue, but some of us may not understand how to forgive and forget without minimum effect. After being wrong – no matter how big or small the crime – forgiveness may seem like an old, almost mythical idea.
In the face of betrayal by a friend, unfaithfulness in marriage, or the type of trauma you have been experiencing in the past, you may feel unjust that you must work to cope with the unpleasant effects of the event, find forgiveness, and move past it. This article will be sharing tips on how to forgive and forget in life.
Is forgetting a condition of forgiveness?
We’ve all heard the phrase “forgive and forget” growing up. We rapidly realized, however, that saying it is far simpler than doing it. However, whether it is simple or not, the essential question is whether we must forget when we forgive.
Is there any connection between the two? Is forgetting required for forgiveness? Is it true that if we don’t forget, we haven’t forgiven? It’s not as straightforward as the definition of forgetfulness — the inability to recollect, remember, or think about anything.
The truth is that it is quite impossible for a human being to physically forget – to erase something from our mind at our leisure. There are a variety of physical, emotional, and mental events that might cause us to forget things, but most of them are not of our choosing.
As a result, forgetfulness is not synonymous with forgiveness in a strict sense. To declare we forgive, we don’t have to act as if the incident never happened.
When it comes to forgiveness and forgetting, it’s all about letting go. This entails making a concerted effort to avoid dwelling on the incident. Even if we forgive the event or occurrence, we are entitled to remember it.
Yes, memories might arise as a result of actions or things we hear, but the key is to not let them remain and lead to emotional negative. We are exhibiting forgiveness and forgetfulness in this way.
Is it possible to forgive and forget?
Irrespective of whether the incident directly affected you or someone you care about, there is frequently a desire for vengeance.
We are hurting, therefore we want the offenders to be just as wounded as we are. Hurt and anger may overwhelm us and take control of our life, upsetting our relationships and our capacity to perform what were once ordinary tasks.
As a result, our enthusiasm, zest for life, drive to achieve goals, and ability to soothe others are stifled. We must reclaim control of our existence if we are to go forward and live out our genuine purpose and enjoy favor in our lives.
We need to reclaim our sense of normalcy and return to a healthy mental and emotional state. As we try to move forward from these events, a crucial part of our self-recovery is based on a few key questions: Do we have the ability to forgive? Do we forget about it?
We are taught to forgive – to turn the other cheek – from a spiritual, religious, and socially moral standpoint. We learn at a young age that if someone causes us pain or injustice, we should not strive to repay them. We should neither seek vengeance nor shun them.
Rather, we should forgive them and move on, putting the incident out of our minds and hearts. If we want to punish those who have wronged us, we are considered vigilantes — self-appointed judges and juries for the acts and penalties that are required.
Furthermore, we frequently hear that forgiveness would help us to let go of the sorrow and anguish from a purely psychological and emotional standpoint. The idea is that if we forgive, we will be able to heal (emotionally).
As a result, we can prevent a downward psychological cycle that could otherwise result in sadness, bad behavior, and a loss of self-esteem, pride, and dignity.
Having said that, it appears that the best course of action in all cases is to forgive and forget. Allow the past to fade away, and look forward to new adventures and better times. However, as complicated as the human mind, psyche, and emotions are, forgiving and forgetting are not easy for many people.
How to forgive and forget?
Although, in the end, forgiving others’ wrongs can have a big impact on your own well-being: forgiveness researcher and Dyer Tyler Vanderwell at Harvard TH, an advocate for health, religion, and spirituality.
The Chan School of Public Health explains that “our research indicates that over time, the forgiveness of a perpetrator leads to lower levels of frustration and anxiety and a higher level of hope, happiness, the satisfaction of life and self-esteem.”
Sounds great, isn’t it? But perhaps – no, of course, easier said than done. Fortunately, over the years of research, Dr. Vanderwell and others have found precise, proven steps and methods that anyone can use to forgive and forget them.
Dr. Frederick Luskin, director of the Stanford Forgiveness Project and the good author of forgiveness: A proven prescription for health and happiness and forgiveness for a love: The missing ingredient for a healthy and happy relationship, points to three key vacations from his decade.
Study: First, forgiveness is a learning skill, no matter what the crime, secondly, being forgiving is good for your physical and mental health, and third, it is not an immediate response.
“There is a mechanism for solving your grief,” he explained. Here, these two experts in this field explain some of the methods that have helped people to get forgiveness for everything from the deception of a child to death.
1. Forgiving someone is not a sign of weakness
“Sometimes there is a misconception that forgiveness is given, or it allows you to trample all people,” says Dr. Vanderwell. “The research that we have done shows that this is not the case and that it is actually an incredibly powerful and self-healing response to a crime.”
Forgiveness shows a low level of anxiety and a high level of hope, happiness, life satisfaction, and self-esteem to know how to forgive and forget.
He explains that his researchers have defined forgiveness, at the most basic level, because the replacement of illness replaces the wishes of the person, so that “the Victim is no longer held captive to the perpetrator or the feeling of bitterness and anger.”
As a result, his research indicates that forgiving someone who hurt you leads to lower levels of frustration and anxiety and higher levels of hope, happiness, satisfaction in life, and self-esteem. If you want to look for these things for yourself, try to rethink forgiveness, because you can forgive without accepting unacceptable behavior.
2. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same
When someone strikes you, especially in the case of deception and idiocy, it is important to distinguish between forgiveness (again wishing the offender) and reconciliation.
Forgiveness, Dr. Vanderwell explained, is sometimes a reunion, but not always, and there are situations where the union may not even fit. (Dr. Vanderwell cites domestic violence as an example of continuous and unchanging behavior.)
3. Be remorseful and reassured
“The unfaithfulness in the relationship is truly painful and destructive, and when betrayed by faith, the forgiveness of one person is simply not enough to reconcile and move forward,” says Dr. Vanderville. In addition, “the offender needs to be remorseful and reassured that this will not happen again. Both partners want this healing done.
4. Calm your nervous system
Dr. Luskin has a four-step process to help people work toward achieving forgiveness, and when disturbed, it begins with the practice of stress management. He explains that when people are injured or dissatisfied, their adrenaline spikes, and “the purpose of adrenaline is to not let you concentrate on the problem and avoid it”. Adrenaline spikes again.
5. Take a breath and think
Take two deep breaths and try to think of something positive each time the crime comes to mind. To change the body’s response, he instructs the man to take two deep stomach breaths and then think of something positive each time the crime comes to mind. After practicing it fifty or more times, the body can more effectively calm itself.
6. Awaken your power of gratitude
The next step in Dr. Luskin’s process involves being more grateful because “when you look at the wrong things, you should also notice what’s right for balancing the nervous system and the ability to tell a different story.” Take the time to admire things like pleasant weather or beautiful sunsets or other small things in their life so they calm the nervous system.
7. Remember, you will not get everything
These seemingly harsh words are critical of Dr. Luskin’s approach, because “forgiveness is about a situation that doesn’t work the way we want it to,” he said. “This cognitive framing helps you work toward acceptance and also reduces blood pressure.”
8. Change how you tell the story in your head
When you take these steps to get into another headspace, it helps you change the story of your mind from the one in which you were victimized to a terrible act, in which you became a hero to forgiveness.
“In the end, forgiveness is a change of story,” says Dr. Luskin. Instead of the “poor me” story, it is to see how I have grown, learned, and dealt with this situation. See how I overcome adversity.
“She explains how this mentality can help someone who is in an unhealthy relationship to have other and healthier relationships in the future. “All of a sudden you were able to say, ‘Even if that person is treating me severely and the relationship is a complete disaster, I am not giving up because I know that I can achieve anything.”
9. Don’t consider you a victim
The key to finding forgiveness is not suppressing memories or thinking about them again, but rather “remembering others, and trying to work from being remembered as suffering to resisting it, taking on more stable and more sensitive charges.”
10. Practice forgiveness daily
You can train to forgive yourself as a personality trait: “When you practice forgiving others for minor offenses, such as getting you off the highway in the context of marriage, or away from a minor offense, it really changes your character and” your goodwill toward others.
It increases the likelihood of feelings being created, “says Dr. Vanderwell,” This is another Helping break the cycle of revenge, and revenge can lead to a better life and a better society.
11. Try to reach out to forgive the past
Dr. Vanderwell has shown this to reduce frustration and anxiety and increase hope and forgiveness by encouraging people to “forgive, emphasize, altruistic gifts, commit and hold” through this briefing process. Dr. Vanderville’s research team is currently exploring the impact of this intervention model globally in the form of a two-hour workbook.
12. Follow these steps
Call again: Think objectively, not suppress wrongdoing as to know how to forgive and forget.
Impatiens: Try to put yourself in another person’s shoes, and consider whether there was motivation to play without hate. You do not need to reduce your wrongdoing or invalidate your own feelings, but try to think of ways in which the action may not be personal.
Adverse Gifts: Think of forgiveness as a gift. Most people feel better about themselves when others give, and forgiveness works that way. It can also be helpful to reflect on the time someone else has given you the gift of forgiveness and to think about how it felt.
Commit: Commit to forgiveness You can do this by confronting the offender, telling someone else, or even writing.
Hold: Hold on to the forgiveness, knowing that the emotional side of it can still take time.
Remember that forgetting should not be your goal.
You’ve probably heard people talk about “forgive and forget” as an idea, but the sensitivity between psychologists and researchers is “it’s a very misleading and untrue attitude,” says Dr. Luskin. “Of course, there are small things that you can forget, such as if someone was just lying to get out of a dinner plan, you can’t forget what is true and important, and neither should you.”
In order to choose how to move on, forgiveness and forgetting need some kind of assessment of the event. However, the focus of such evaluation and action should be on relieving the suffering of the victims of evil acts.
Rather than being a panacea or act of absolution for the culprit, it should be a way for them to go ahead with their life in a positive way.
It is not necessary to return to the same degree of engagement or interaction with individuals who perpetrated the damaging acts against us or our loved ones in order to act in a forgiving manner. However, it is necessary for our own survival and growth.
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